I do a lot of thinking. By most folks account, way too much thinking. I guess that is a matter of opinion.
<insert appropriate quote>
“Yes, know thyself: in great concerns or small, Be this thy care, for this, my friend, is all.” ~ Juvenal
I take that to mean that there are other people out there doing the same thing. Trying to examine our own motives – to not be a hostage to our gut instincts, but to rise above them and learn more. More about ourselves, and hopefully more about the world around us.
For me, I do this with the end goals of: being happier, being more loving & less reactive and to be a blessing in the lives of those around me. I know that has a lot of religious sounding overtones to it and so I try not to discuss my philosophy of life with those who are uninterested and/or would misinterpret it. I do not want to convert anyone (although I do love debates and when some one can change my point of view). I am just trying to do what most everyone else is – the best that I can with the tools that I have available to me. (Actually technically speaking since I don’t have an organized religion I couldn’t convert anyone anyhow… but I stray off topic….)
Bottom line. I would like to be happy. If it is possible, I would like to see those around me happy.
Recently someone blindsided me with some “facts” about myself. Pointed out some things that I had done that hurt them terribly. I have done what I can to make amends for these actions. I owned them and believe that I have made some changes that will keep that particular hurt from being inflicted on anyone again.
It has brought up a lot of questions for me. I have been looking at myself and my motivations and my actions. Where else have I been hurtful and did not know? How can I correct behaviors that I am not aware of? Are these facts or fears? I have heard it said that “no one chooses a course of evil, they simply mistake it for the pursuit of happiness”. <would insert credit for the quote if I could figure out who said it> Have I been angry, hurtful or mean? Or have I been misinterpreted? Am I trying to accept too much responsibility for other people’s pain?
For me, there is no change without pain. Once again the Universe has seen fit to bring me a lesson that hurts. Once the pain is greater than the fear than the change comes – but I am just having so much difficulty figuring out the fear in this one.
I hope the understanding comes soon – this is getting old.